A message to our friends in Germany – we don’t envy you over the EU vaccine shambles

Colin Robertson

Published: 23:30, 25 Feb 2021
Updated: 1:25, 26 Feb 2021

THE vast majority of us only really know one German word. Yes, you got it: Schadenfreude.

Pleasure derived from someone else’s misfortune.

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A message to our friends in Germany - we don't envy you over the EU vaccine shambles

Germany’s biggest newspaper admitted Britain’s successful vaccine rollout is the envy of EuropeCredit: Bild

You could forgive us for enjoying some of it right now after your Bild newspaper put a Union Flag on its front page on Wednesday with the headline “We envy you” over Britain’s vaccine rollout.

We don’t envy you.

We are looking forward to a summer of unbridled social contact, rediscovering old drinking holes to imbibe our favourite tipple (a Beck’s for the gents, glass of Black Tower for the ladies).

Warm months of football matches, pop concerts (ooh, Kraftwerk are set for these shores in July) and frivolous trips to the shops.

It will be like the joyful summer of 1966 all over again (sorry not sorry).

After all, we have had to sit back and take an endless pummelling from your great leader Angela Merkel and her assorted EU fanatics — our shady freunde — because we said “Auf Wiedersehen, pet” on New Year’s Eve.

'BUREAUCRATIC BLOB'

How dare we leave their beloved cartel? How dare we vote to end 47 years of baffling bureaucracy and pathetically powered vacuum cleaners? We’ll be ruined when they crowbar our bright star off the EU flag.

But we weren’t ruined, were we?

Cut from the restraints of the bureaucratic blob, we moved quickly, slapped down OUR towels first on the sunloungers of AstraZeneca, Pfizer and Moderna.

We did our own deals on vaccines while you and the rest of Europe’s emergency response was apparently to just dial Nein Nein Nein.

The EU vaccination programme — a kind of Vorsprung Durch Hectic — was a shambles, a veritable Clusertfick, if you’ll pardon our German.

The collective geniuses behind that endeavour couldn’t organise an Oktoberfest in a brewery.

Jabs in the UK are being doled out at three times the rate of GermanyCredit: PA:Press Association

Here in Britain we’re vaccinating Germany under the tableCredit: AFP or licensors

Our jabs are being doled out at THREE TIMES the rate that yours are — we’re vaccinating you under the table.

So yes, you should envy us.

But here’s the thing. We take no pleasure in your misfortune.

You will note there is no word for schadenfreude in the English language.

We don’t do smug. You have to understand the way we are, mein Herr.

We simply have some words of advice.

'THERE IS A WAY OUT'

Your country is Europe’s largest economy — the fourth largest in the world.

You make some of the world’s most sought-after goods. Oh, how we love your cars and your kitchen appliances.

You have a position of real power on this planet.

If Tinder was a global trading platform, everyone on there would swipe right when they saw you.

So why do you continue to shackle yourselves to a failing European project that is now, through its addiction to red tape, severely limiting your freedom?

It’s time your politik got real. There is a way out.